As A Carnivore I Am Finding It Hard To Poop

Andrew R. French
3 min readApr 27, 2018

I’m trying out this new thing called the “Carnivore Diet” and it turns out that just eating meat all the time is surprisingly delicious, although I would love to be able to poop again.

I thought that eating just meat all the time might be somewhat grueling at first, like only using Facebook occasionally, but it turns out that it’s actually fairly easy and pleasant. All you have to do, really, is occasionally fry up some hamburger chunks in butter. Then you get to eat that until you are super full, and voila! Health!

As I mentioned before, though, there is one aspect of this diet that is really bothering me, and that aspect is that I haven’t pooped for three days.

A man named Chad on the Facebook group World Carnivore Tribe (previously World Carnivore Month in January) told me that I didn’t need to poop when I ate the perfect food, which is meat.

Meat provides all the nutrients that I need every day. Meat is the world’s first superfood and only my tribe, the Carnivore Tribe, really understands that.

When I posted a question on the group’s page about my poop, Chad really jumped in there and gave me the dirt on the intestinal superiority of us Carnivores. Pooping is for vegans, carbohydrate addicts, and farm animals, Chad responded, and you don’t have to worry about pooping unless you haven’t done a number two for over fifteen days.

So far my post has gotten forty six likes and two hearts. Also, one sad face.

I’m trying to take Chad’s advice and go with the flow. Or actually, go with the “not flow”, I guess you could say! I added that comment to my original post and got twenty-three likes, one heart, and two laughing faces.

So now, after 22 days of being a Meat-eater, I can tell anybody who I meet that I am in much better condition then I was at the start of this journey. My racing heart indicates that my body is at peak condition, ready to hunt woolly mammoths. The hot flashes that I am having are simply my body adjusting to getting rid of all the toxic vegetables and eating the perfect food.

Which is meat. Chad and everybody else on the group agrees with me on that one.

One of the great things about this diet is that meat has all the nutrients that I need, so I can finally ditch the broccoli. It is fun to eat a plate of hamburger and really understand that I am getting in much better shape then my parents, while they sit beside me eating their salads, which I call bunny food.

“Hey, you are eating the food my food eats!” I like to joke with them when they eat their bunny food.

I also want them to know the truth, that “carbs” are the devil. Even though they are in their 70s and in great health, I’m urging them to change their normal diet and get healthy like I am, by eating meat and getting rid of all the carbs!

I just hate carbs so much.

But I sure would love to poop again.

Andrew R. French

Writer at the Intersection of Ecosystem and Culture