It Has All Happened Before

Over the course of 200,000 to 300,000 years, Homo sapiens hunted and gathered all of their own food from the planet. The planet didn’t mind.

Us big-brained apes gorged on meat when a hunt was successful, and gathered nuts and berries when the meat was scarce. We were super fucking strong and awesome and could run 100 miles and climb a mountain wearing animal skins and carrying stone tools and some mushrooms.

Overall we ate whatever we could to survive. We never talked about our diets. We only talked about the next hunt and the way our loin cloths itched when we stooped over to gather our mushrooms.

Over the last 10,000 years, we domesticated the carbohydrate rich seeds of plants and called them grains and beans. We selectively bred them until they were enormous compared to their wild counterparts, and full of starch and energy.

Since we could store all this energy for long periods of time in one place, we began to build vast civilizations and invented slavery and war so that rich people didn’t have to do any work.

Meanwhile, someone invented beer, and another person distilled that beer to make liquor. Everybody got drunk from then on.

We drank beer and liquor to assuage our ennui at living in dense clusters instead of our tribes. Agriculture allowed us to make opium from the poppy flower, and then we synthesized heroin. We bred coca to make cocaine and crack. As cities grew bigger, filthier, and more stratified, we self-medicated until our bodies and minds were broken.

In the last 100 years we invented synthetic fertilizer, chemical pesticides, and genetically altered plants to make them do what we wanted them to do instead of what they evolved to do. Superpests began to evolve over generations of co-evolution alongside these Frankenfoods.

We discovered that petroleum was a better fuel then steam. We developed motorized carriages and got rid of our horses, mules, and oxen. Instead of organic fertilizer we could use in our fields, we released millions of tons of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere which created a greenhouse effect and held heat inside our planets atmosphere, altering the climate significantly.

We began to make fast food that you could eat in your car. Everybody stopped moving and started staring at moving lights on screens all day long. Most of our foods began to be created by scientists and machines out of corn and wheat.

Our bodies began to display layers of internal and external deposits of fat. We began to die in droves. Heart disease, cancer, diabetes, and dementia were some of the carbohydrate-related preventable diseases that caused most of us to die prematurely, causing our friends and relatives to be filled with grief.

Everybody was full of grief and so we all took our drugs and watched our screens and ate our corn foods in silent misery. We didn’t talk to people in person any more — we only made “comments” on the internet to people we didn’t know at all. Usually our comments were full of violence and hatred.

Everybody was angry about something. Then the climate shifted dramatically and people began to die of heat stroke and malnutrition. A bunch of people who believed in an idea they thought was more important than everybody else’s ideas killed everybody else because they liked their idea more then everybody else.

Even though all the billionaires in the world wanted to use these idealist people, who were now the last people on the planet, to do all the work for them, they knew that would be suicidal, so they bombed the planet to get rid of the idealists.

Finally, the only people left on the planet were 12 billionaires, and everybody else was dead. The 12 billionaires began to repopulate the planet and the inbreeding was severe. Not only that, but all of the Billionaires were psychopathic and transmitted their psychosis to their offspring.

Then it all happened again.



Writer — Nature | Science | Agriculture | Health

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